Saturday, January 31, 2009

This isn't recovery!

Good Morning to Jesse's friends and family,

Dee tried to warn me. She tried to prepare me for what I was about to encounter with Jesse staying with her Friday and Saturday. Reading Dee's post and talking to her on the phone several times I thought I was ready. As soon as I walked in the room the tears started flowing. It wasn't her face, lips or cheeks being all swollen. It wasn't all the bruises on her body or the sound of each struggled breath. It was her eyes. The sadness. The way they were crying out to me for help. She raised her little hand for me to come. I dropped my bags and held her as we both cried. All she could say was "it hurts so bad".

It wasn't very long before I got to experience the throwing up blood. These sores, that are all the way down her throat, are open and bleeding. They drain blood into her stomach. Since your stomach can't digest it you have to through it up. It's not just a little bit either. It's like throwing up crushed glass. The pain is so severe she cries every time. The same is true for taking her medicine (by mouth) that they can't give her in her IV. It's like swallowing glass.

As I lay here listening to each breath that Jesse struggles to take, and praying there is a next one, I am reminded of Mary and what she must have gone through when she watched them beat and whip her son Jesus. Now I know how she felt having to watch her child suffer so much pain and couldn't do anything to help. How her heart must have broken. There was a man that was forced to help Jesus carry his cross when it got to heavy and the hill was to steep. I want to volunteer to be that man for Jesse. I would give anything to take this from her. She has suffered so much and the cross is so heavy for her little frame and the hill is so steep right now. She has carried this burden long enough. But I can't do a thing. I am just like Mary. I have to stand by and watch as she hits bottom under the weight of this disease. These are by far her darkest hours. She is in so much pain. She was crying this morning around 2am and as I held her she was asking for something.....but I couldn't understand her. She can barely talk and her tongue is so swollen. How helpless I felt. She is asking for help and I don't understand her.

I am sorry for the pictures but unless you are here you can not possibly understand what Jesse is going through. How I pray for all the others that take this journey. These are the sores that are all through her mouth and throat.

If you are a person that prays for Jesse please pray for her today like you never have before. She is in the darkness of the valley and needs all of our support and the healing that only God can provide. We need a miracle.


Anonymous said...

Oh Jesse, how our hearts hurt for you. I realize there is no possible way we can understand all that you have gone through. But, please know that checking in on your post and holding you up in prayer is part of our daily lives. As a mom, my hearts is so heavy for you. I hear the words of your parents and can't put my mind around the helplessness they must feel. Nothing is harder for a parent, than watching a child suffer when you can't do a thing about it.
Jess, we lay this disease at the foot of the cross. We plead to the Lord for mercy. We cry out for a miracle.
It is darkest before the dawn, and I believe the dawn is coming.
With heartfelt prayers,
The Turner Family

Matt said...

wow! Gosh! I cant imagine what your going through babe the bruses, sores, rash, being swollen, and just all around pain! its hard to think about it but its reality and your going to get through this! your surrounded with people that absolutely LOVE you and would literaly do anything for you begining with your parents! watching them go through through this with you I cant think how hard it is for them to see you like this we get all we can from the blogs and even thatg hits readers. I`m here for you jess as your boyfriend, and as your bestfriend(well one of many, im in line too):p. you mean the world to me and that will never change I see you sunday to stay with you that night and not sure if I can really prepare myself for anything like with what your going through,but will be there by your side. alaove you see you tommorow, and Thank you Clent and Deanna for allowing me and the trust to be with jesse! thank you.

Jeremy Ashlock said...

Praying for you guys. Praying that God would place His hand on you Jesse and give you strength and healing.

You guys are amazing and way stronger than I ever would have been. Your words and outpouring of your hearts has been such a blessing to us. It has spoken to our hearts and helped us learn lessons we may never have learned if it wasn't for you guys. Hang in there and rest in knowing that He is God and that He WILL take care of you!

God bless you guys! We love you all,

Jeremy & Korinne

ClosedRoseBud said...

Maybe that man who will carry the cross is Jesus. Maybe Jesus will take the burden of pain and the weight of sorrow that Jesse has to uphold. Oh Lord I pray that you would take the pain away in this awful and dark hour. Only you can, Jesus. We DO need a miracle.

Lisa said...

Clent, you break my heart! I told Tito this morning that I awoke at 4 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep, so I began to pray . . . it's the wee hours of the morning when I do my best worrying, and I began to pray . . . I thanked God for the blessings he's given our daughter - her illness could be so much worse, and then I prayed for Jesse . . . to please bring her through this awful time, to begin the healing, to lessen the pain. I promise you Clent, if I could take any of it from Jesse, I would and that's the Mom in me talking and I haven't even met Jesse but I wish I could carry her burden - so I can only imagine how much you and Dee would gladly take this from her. And when Tito woke up, I told him about my prayers, and he told me that before he fell asleep last night, he was praying too for Jesse - she is now part of our family, in our hearts, and we will keep on praying. This is like the most horrible of storms to go through, but it will end! I find comfort in your post that the nurses have seen this before - that it can be worse - strange that comforted me but to know that this is part of the process and not something very unusual, I guess in a small way that is comforting. You all want to do so much more for Jesse, but holding her, being with her every day, bless that child, she's never been alone through any of this! Not everyone has that! And to share all this with us - thank you! What a gift to share in this experience - we will all have a better perspective because of it.

Anonymous said...

Jesse & family ~
Reading your post brings me to tears. I cannot imagine what you are going through. As I see Jesse bruises and scars I can only think about Jesus. Jesse does have a burden bigger than herself to carry. That si when the Bible tells us in 1 Peter 5:7 to "cast all our Cares upon him, for he cares." I can only imagine how hard that burden is to hand over.

Remember Jesse, you will have an amazing, outstanding testimony when this is all set and finished. The Lord will bless.

Extra prayers today!

Deyon Penney said...

Jesse I just want you to know how much your at the forefront of my mind. My prayers are constantly filled with your name and those of your family. You are not just precious to God but so many others like myself. I pray for you strength and healing, and laughter. Lots of laughter every chance you get!

Anonymous said...

The tears are running like rivers, Dear Ones, as I intercede for you all. I will have to write more later, but I want you to know that Jesus has His arms tightly around Jesse, and He feels the pain also. He hasn't left her to go through this valley alone. He will lift her as on eagle's wings, and carry her to the mountain top. HE IS GOD!

I love you all so very, very much, and I am there with you in spirit, adding my arms around you with Jesus's.

Mom and Grandma

Grandpa is praying too.

PraisinYahweh said...

I have just finished reading your post, and can find no words to express my thoughts or feelings. So I will simply post a prayer.

Heavenly Father,

I come to you, Jehovah el Shaddai, burdened for this dear family knowing that you have such a tender heart for children, and that you too must feel pain as you watch your dear little ones walk through valleys such as this. My heart just can't wrap itself around this kind of suffering, and she is not even mine. Father I ask that you place your hand upon Jesse in a way so tangible that she knows you are there. Let her feel her Father's presence around her as she battles this disease. Give her peace, fill her with your strength that she might draw upon it. Cradle her tired body in the warmth of your love. Fill her families hearts with your Spirit. Guide them. Provide them with the energy to go another day, moments of joy amidst the pain, and hope Father. How tender you made out hearts as parents, I can only imagine that theirs have broken a thousand times over. Mend them. Encourage them. Stand beside them. Draw them to you as they walk through this. Renew them all every morning ... every hour .. every minute. Guide the doctors. Reveal your will for Jesse's treatment to them. Father I think you for the gift of every minute. Let us all in reading Jesse's story remember just what a gift it is, and choose to love, forgive, and embrace others every chance we get. I pray this in your precious Son's name.


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